ink is ink is ink

heather keegan

artist, kirk sheppard in vancouver, b.c.

Searching…

It had been 123 days since I was released from the hospital and approximately 605 days since I sat in that same hospital holding my mother’s hand as her body slowly gave in to death. It was now the end of April in Tofino and I found myself curled up with a blanket on the couch of a near stranger. In the last week I had become homeless and jobless and completely miserable. I popped back my daily dose of Lithium and washed the pills down with my morning cup of tea. I reached my hand into my medicine cabinet/purse to grab a much needed distraction in the form of a 99 cent crossword puzzle book. I felt something hard and plastic scratch my index finger. The culprit was the corner of the case of Neil Young’s “Harvest” album. I suddenly remembered stealing it from my father’s office desk the last time I visited the city. I put it on and sat back on the couch with my crossword and contemplated how my life had become such an insignificant piece of garbage.

I had the album on repeat and had listened to all ten songs at least three times. “Heart of Gold” was playing when I had an epiphany. And here it was: for the last 605 days of my self proclaimed “garbage” life, I had been searching, and I mean truly, desperately, hopelessly searching for something, or somewhere, or someone to save me. I had changed towns, jobs, and partners all in the hope that by some chance a new roof over my head, or career, or lover would turn me into a better, stronger and happier person. The only thing I hadn’t tried to change in all of those days was me. This was the true cause of my misery.

It has been 52 days since Kirk Sheppard completed my “Heart of Gold” tattoo and well over a year since that day on the couch. It is interesting how often people comment on my tattoo by saying something along the lines of “So, have you found him yet?” I usually laugh or smile but know that they are making the same mistake I made. They think that what I am searching for will be found in another person. But, what I know is this, the heart of gold I am searching for will only ever be found within me.